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Hilary Silver is a clinical psychotherapist who operated a busy and successful private practice for 14 years. In 2017, she discovered coaching and decided to close her practice and launch an online coaching, wellness, and empowerment company for women.
Hilary Silver now spends her time mentoring women which gives her the ability to witness and support their life-changing transformations.
In this interview, Hilary Silver reviews 8 reasons why strong, powerful women are inclined to choose weak men and “date down.”
How would you define a man who is “weak”?
They need your financial and emotional support. They’re the kind of guy who needs to sleep on your couch for a while because they’re in between things. They’re also emotionally weak. They’re not fully secure in themselves and they end up showing up almost passively in the relationship.
Are strong women consciously choosing weak men as partners?
No, this is not a conscious choice! You may be thinking, “I don’t do that. I don’t do it on purpose. I’m not picking them. It just kind of happens that way.” But a lot of what we do is not conscious. We’re not even aware of 95% of the thoughts that we have on a daily basis. If you’re only aware of 5% of what you’re thinking about, that means you’re unaware of 95% of the things that you are thinking, and it’s guiding all of your behavior, all of your decisions, and all of your choices. A lot of the work that I do with my clients is helping them tap into their subconscious so they’re more aware of what they’re thinking. Once they do that and they’re more in control of what they’re thinking, they can make decisions that are in their best interest.
What are the 8 “hidden benefits” or reasons that strong women pick weak men?
- You’ll never feel inadequate since, comparatively speaking, you’ll always be two steps ahead of him.
- When you know that you are better than him or more than him, you’ll never be discovered that you’re not enough, which is at the core of your subconscious. Your biggest fear is that you’re not enough.
- He’ll never leave you because he needs you.
- He’ll need you more than you need him and if he does leave, it won’t be so crushing and devastating to you because you didn’t respect, admire or love him that much.
- You don’t have to give in as much or fear engulfment since your voice will be heard and accommodated most of the time. So you’re most likely to get what you want.
- You don’t have to step into a deep sense of vulnerability since he won’t expect it from you or he won’t even know how to powerfully deal with vulnerability. This is called emotional unavailability. When you pick somebody who is not at your level intellectually, spiritually, or socially, you’re setting yourself up for a relationship that’s lacking that deep connection.
- You can boss him around, which seems like something that you might want, but it’s not what you want at all because you don’t respect or admire him and that is a turnoff.
- You don’t have to fear losing your independence because you’ll be in charge and will always have some sense of being in control.
Why are these relationships with weak men a problem?
He’s getting something out of you being the way you are and you’re getting something out of him being the way he is, but this is the relationship that exists in nature between a host and a parasite. The host needs this parasite for its function and the parasite needs the host for something. So there’s no such thing as boundaries when you’re in an enmeshed and merged state where you’re both getting these unhealthy needs met. It is just a toxic relationship and it looks like he’s the problem.
Why won’t these relationships work in the long term?
Number one, you won’t ever feel fulfilled or seen. You won’t feel appreciated the way that you crave because he’s not ever going to be able to get you. You’re operating in a whole different sphere and he can’t live in that space.
You’re not having the vulnerability, intimacy, or connection, so he’s never going to get to know you and you won’t feel fulfilled by this. It will feel like you’re passing time and settling. It won’t feel purposeful or meaningful.
Number two, you absolutely will not feel a sense of admiration or respect for him and you won’t feel self-respect for yourself. And because you’re picking somebody who’s, in your eyes, less than, you’re going to feel bad about yourself for doing that, and you will never respect him. You’re always going to be frustrated that he can’t be more and he’s always going to feel like he’s letting you down and he’s not good enough for you. That is the worst dynamic to be stuck in.
You won’t be able to relax and let go because you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You may say that you want an equal partner, somebody who is going to help you and do things for you so you don’t have to do everything all the time. But you keep picking men who can’t meet you at that level because you want to stay in a sense of control. You have to choose one or the other. Do you want to let go of control and make room for a man in your life who has his own opinions and needs and desires and wants, who can give you what you need and want, who can support you, but who can call you out? That’s a higher-level relationship. Do you want that? Because if you do, you’re going to have to let go of these things and this need for this sense of control. That probably feels too vulnerable and scary. It feels needy or weak to receive and so you pick somebody who can’t give or you won’t let him give.
You’ll always feel just a little bit resentful, taken advantage of, or unappreciated because you’re carrying this heavy load. You’re paying for everything, or you’re doing everything, and he’s not in a position to give that way. You’ll most likely feel like something is missing because, in your core, you know you’ve settled. And that kills desire and passion because nobody wants to be with a man who you don’t respect and admire. That’s not attractive.
What’s the next step for powerful women who are looking to move past picking weak men?
The next step is my Ready for Love program. I have two versions of it. I have a VIP program for women who want that high-touch, exclusive, elite-level coaching. You want to be able to talk to me personally every week. You want private coaching and group coaching, and you want to be surrounded by other women who are at your level. It’s for women who want that accountability, the support, the handholding, and the guidance. And then I have the DIY program, which is the same information without the handholding. There are two different price points and two different experiences, but the curriculum is the same.
But what I want you to know is that this type of pattern, if you find yourself stuck in it, is entirely a “you” problem. It’s not him. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just fine the way he is. It’s you. And I say that with love, but it’s you. Until you figure out why you’re doing this, what is it at your core that’s causing you to operate this way, you’ll always be disappointed. You’ll always be let down and you want more than that, and you should have more than that, and you can have more than that. But you don’t know how to break out of this and you don’t know how to change those patterns. This is in your DNA. It goes way back for you. It’s in your brain. We need to retrain your brain and that’s a lot of what we do in the program.
For those of you who want something different, and to break out of old habits and patterns, but don’t know how to do that, that’s what I’m here for.